Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize