I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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