I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
