whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize