whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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