I'm lost and stupid without you.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
