I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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