Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
