I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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