So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize