I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
