I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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