so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
