So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
