Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
