she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
