My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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