its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
