He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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