I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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