Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
