how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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