Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
