Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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