I cockslap morals
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
