i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
