So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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