I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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