I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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