saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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