Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
