apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
