it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
