I cannot find my penis.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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