she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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