Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
And then he peed in my hair
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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