you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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