I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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