God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
