He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
