The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
