I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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