don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
