i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
