I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Someone shattered a urinal.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
