The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
