I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
