my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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