thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
