My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize