I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
