my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My vagina is very pro this idea
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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