and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I will pee on everything he values.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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