Soap is not a condiment
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
