I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dignity is for republicans.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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