when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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