Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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