im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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