Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
