everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize