My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
