I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
