he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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